"Semakin menjemukan. Mereka semakin berbicara hal tak ingin kudengar. Aku merasa semakin sendiri, semakin menjadi makhluk asing. Makin kuikuti alurnya, makin tak kutemui diriku. Kemana? Semakin jauh aku mengayuh. Tiada yang mencegah, semakin aku percaya kekuatan dalam sendiriku."
"Writing down your worries makes you worry less because it helps you see things more objectively."
"Date yourself. Take yourself out to eat. Don’t share your popcorn at the movies with anyone. Stroll around an art museum alone. Fall in love with canvases. Fall in love with yourself."
Kau punya tuhan dimana? Di akun sosial media ya?
Kau punya doa untuk siapa? Untuk pengikut-pengikutmu ya?
Seperti apa kau berterimakasih? Dengan banyak kicauan?
Bagaimana kau menghadapinya? Dengan memandangi sepanjang hari?
Katamu aku tak punya tuhan.
Karena aku tidak berdoa lewat statusku.
Tidak juga berbicara bijak seperti motivator.
Ah mana peduli
Kau punya tuhan atau aku punya tuhan atau tidak.
Yang penting sekarang
Apa kau punya cukup waktu untuk menjadi tuhan di media.
"…then we’ll get married. yes, my lady?"
“…I don’t know…"
There is nothing more which make me realize how jerk am I than tasting both of your lips in a day, dear(s)
"Literature is the most agreeable way of ignoring life."
"You have me now, apart from his reach. Take me now and give sunset kiss in a beach."
Ah rupanya kau mulai memikirkan hal itu. Tentang status ‘non’ yang bertengger sebagai identitasku. Salahku kah? Salahmu kah? Salah perasaan kita kah?
Maaf aku selalu memenuhi kepalaku dengan imajinasi liar dimana aku bisa langsung memproyeksikan apa yang lawan bicaraku katakan, dengan caraku sendiri mengimajinasikannya.
Lalu sore ini, dengan kepala pening yang tak kunjung reda dan bergantian menyedot rokok dari bibir ke bibir, kita mulai bicara panjang lebar. Mulai bau tanah basah sampai ketakutan yang membasahi benakmu. Entahlah sayang, kau bahkan tidak mengenal dirimu bukan?
Kau yang memegang teguh kepercayaan dan sistem itu malah menggaetku, seseorang dengan kepercayaan yang berseberangan denganmu. Kau yang dibesarkan di tengah keluarga konservatif malah mendapatkanku, seseorang dengan ambisi tak terpatahkan dan berpikir radikal.
Apa salahku? Apa salahmu? Apa salah perasaan kita?
Dan aku hanya menatap matamu dalam-dalam saat kau bertanya, “dan aku tak tahu bagaimana menurutmu.” Lalu kuraih rokok di sela-sela jarimu, menyedotnya dan menggenggam tanganmu. Kujelaskan sehalus mungkin, sehalus aku menerima kepercayaan ini. Namun sesungguhnya dalam kepalaku telah tergambar tentang perjalanan kita menuju Neverland dimana kita bisa membiarkan perbedaan tetap ada tanpa mengganggu kita. Aku bisa bermeditasi dan kau bisa bersujud. Lalu kembali berdiskusi, merokok, menulis, bercumbu.
Bodoh, benar mungkin aku bodoh. Entahlah, sesungguhnya aku muak jika harus berhadapan dengan ketakutan ini. Ketakutan, ketidaknyamanan yang sama semata karena kita hidup di negara dan lingkungan yang terlalu terkotak-kotak. Tidakkah kau ingin pergi dari sini dan menuju Neverland?
"Hurt people hurt people. That’s how pain patterns gets passed on, generation after generation after generation. Break the chain today. Meet anger with sympathy, contempt with compassion, cruelty with kindness. Greet grimaces with smiles. Forgive and forget about finding fault. Love is the weapon of the future."
"Delete her number.
Stop ringing her. Stop messaging her. Stop making excuses to see her, to drop by her place.
Erase her name from memory. Remove yourself from her life, more completely than you would like but as completely as she deserves. Move on, so that you can allow her to also move on. When you close your eyes, you don’t get to see her face. Not anymore. You don’t get to think about her lips, the warm glow of her skin when she rests next to you, or how she squeezes your hand in her sleep. You are not allowed to remember the smell of her perfume, that she only drinks mint tea (with two dollops of honey), or that she loves you.
She loves you.
She has been in love with you for too long.
So, forget how she says your name. Forget how she calls your name. Forget how she screams your name. Forget that time you got sick and she stayed up with you all night, letting you lay your head in her lap and holding a cold compress to your forehead. Forget how her hair feels in your fingers. Forget how she looks in your sweatshirts.
Know only that she existed at one point in your life, but relinquish all hope that she could exist at another point — sometime in the future that you are unwilling to specify because you don’t know what you want. Yet. It is not fair for you to swoop in and out of her life as you choose. It is not fair for you to say that you are satisfied with “things as they are” and you will have time to “figure it out” later. Let her stop investing emotionally in you. Let her pour that love and care into the people who deserve her.
Don’t tell her that you think about her all the time. Don’t tell her that it bothers you to hear about her with other people, but that you’re willing to understand as long as she likes you more than them. Don’t tell her that this isn’t the right moment but that there will be a right moment. There is not going to be a right moment. She shouldn’t have to wait for the right moment.
Don’t tell her that you can’t handle ultimatums, that you don’t like the idea of finally adding finality to your relationship — whatever still remains of it.
What you are telling her is that you want to keep her on as an option, that you are taking her for granted, that you want to know she will be there, that you can depend on her at the end of the day. When you find that no one else has stuck around or that those who have are less interesting, less thoughtful, or less doggedly loyal to you.
Doggedly loyal to you.
That is what she has been to you, for you almost as long as you have known her: a constant emotional crutch, the guarantee of stability, a safety net while you reach out to grasp objects that sparkle and shine far greater than she does. All that glitters is not gold, haven’t you heard?
She is fire. You are ice, and you are afraid that her slow burn will smolder your cool, hard demeanor. That’s what has driven your decisions, your actions all along: fear. You are a coward. You are a hypocrite. You are terrified to let her go, but you are afraid she is too good for you, that she could drive you wild, that you would choke on her flames. That she is too much for you to handle right now.
But if you choose not to love her now, you can’t choose to love her later."
"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know."
Tidak bisa melawan hasrat menikmati sinar matahari pagi dan tangan yang gatal memegang pena, menangkap imajinasi yang beterbangan.